As most of you know, I have diagnosed with depression.
Last week was one of the hardest weeks I have had with it.
I spent Monday hardly able to get out of bed. I felt no reason to, though I had plenty. I couldn’t help but think of how bad my life sucks, how everything is falling down and the awful things. No matter how much I argued with myself, I couldn’t get rid of the feeling of nothing really mattering. I can easily see why people think that suicide is the only solution left.
For I did think of it and dismissed it. It came back quite a few times over the week, but each time, I dismissed it and did as my hubby said. Tell him when I was negative. He encouraged me to make plans on Friday for a date night to go see Doctor Strange. He consoled me when I would tell him I was a failure, that I can’t even manage to stay well for very long and I was nothing but a burden to him. I refuted myself when I said mean things to myself, how I couldn’t seem to finish my novel and so on. but nothing I said to myself seemed to matter. Let me tell you, my subconscious is a huge Devil’s advocate, and used every chance to argue against my positive reinforcement.
My conscious mind was telling my subconscious that life was not as bad as I was thinking, but I can tell you, it feels like nothing is ever going to get better. You seriously do think over and over, why are you fighting to keep on suffering?
I am telling you these things so that others that go through this, know that they are not alone. It helps me all the time. I am signed up online on Facebook for a page called the Mighty, and I have them on top of my feed. They deal with different illnesses, a lot of them are mental ones. Some of the articles came to mind during the week and I used them to help me get pass it all.
I also spend time listening to music if I can get myself up and turning it on. (Seriously, if you never had it, the act of getting up and doing anything seems to be too much work.) I listen to Safety Suits, These Times. It is a poignant song to me, for it reminds me that everything will pass. It has lines in it that I resonate to, like “But I’ve seen despair here from the inside, And it’s got a one track mind“. So true. Hence what I mentioned before of fighting myself.
Then there are these lines: “And I know there’s someone out there somewhere, Who has it much worse than I do, But I have a dream inside, a perfect life, I’d give anything just to work, It’s like I’m only trying to dig my way out, Of all these things I can’t.” You always know people who have it worse than you do, but when you are suffering, it just doesn’t help. In fact, in a way it makes me want to stand up and scream that Life sucks and stop comparing me to others! And I dream of a better life, of how I would go back and fix things, anything just to give me a moment of respite from the sheer hopelessness I was feeling.
Then there is the line that helps me throughout the song:
I’m telling you these times are hard But they will pass They will pass They will pass These times are hard But they will pass
Sometimes you need to reminded that.
If you are suffering, please get help. Tell others, I will be more than willing to listen to you if you need to talk to someone. There are others. I am lucky to have my hubby that I can tell him everything.
And for what I was going on, we know what triggered it. And like I told myself, the reason why it hit me so hard did in fact pass. I had a somewhat lucky episode. I knew what set it off and hoped more than you would ever guess that it would end.
It did. It passed.
But that week will haunt me for a long time, and I don’t think I will ever be able to shake off easily the doubts that crept so insidiously through my mind. I have low self-esteem and it took a hard hit last week. All from my subconscious and it is still hitting me in dreams and so forth as we work through it. And I say we since my Husband, the wonderful M as he likes to be called. (Something about how Mr. Kittyinaz didn’t sound right. Personally, I think he watched too much James Bond.) He is standing beside me and works with me.
Though I suspect he wishes that I didn’t spend Saturday shopping with my mom. Though I got some awesome deals, stood up for myself to get the deals I shopped for and so on. It helped, but having him in my corner worked more.
And by the way, Doctor Strange is awesome. I already have the story I knew I would eventually want to write forming in my head.
So to sum this post up, depression is hard. No matter how much you suffer from it. Never give up, for as the song says, it will pass.
Yep, it is open!!! The poll closes at midnight on the 10th. I received only two entries, but holy cow! It would take me awhile to tell you which is my favorite!!!
So please, Read, Review and Vote on your favorite!
And please don’t forget, we are accepting entries for the Annual Kittyinaz’s Christmas Challenge!!! Click the banner below to be taken to the page for more information.
Yep, I am finally motivated to get my ass into gear and get things done. For those that don’t know there is a group on Facebook that has the passwords for the Brotherhood series. Click on the link to be taken there, and be patient. I will have to vette you guys against the list of pre-readers we have to allow you on the Group.
For one thing, I have been changing my sleeping pattern into a more normal one. No idea how this will last, but this last week, I needed to be awake at so-called normal times. Today was the first day I could sleep in, and I ended up still waking up at 8:30. I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth, especially since this is now the best time to work, since the house is nice and cool, along with everyone gone. I can spend time with family (Connor enforced!) and still get things done.
I am also moving into a more complicated part of the story. I am bringing in parts of Our Road is Long into the story. I realized while I was writing, that there is no way that Lady would ignore what was going on in their own backyard. So we will see more of those two stories starting to blend. Our Road is going to take longer to catch up, but it will all end up working in the long run.
I also was having issues with headaches. No idea what was causing them, but they were getting bad. But I got my hair done yesterday and the lightness is enough to have me breathing sighs of relief. I may have baby fine hair, but I have tons of it. I was also always pulling it back to have it out of my face. Now it is nice and fixed, it is out of my way and I feel so much better.
I plan to do the banners this weekend while completing some other errands. Robin, who truly is an amazing woman, is working on Character pages. She worked on the original Tea Shoppe cast and has them completed. I love her idea, so I am working on some more for her to load up. I don’t think we will touch the Marvel ones except for making one for Bella.
That is what is going on with my life. I hope yours is going great!!
Just a reminder, the Christmas contest is now live. The contest for October (which has some seriously great stories!) will be live after this weekend for your voting.
Also, the holiday season is coming up, and I wanted to remind you guys of the Amazon Link. While your donations help Robin with the costs of the site (and me!!!) The Amazon link pays for the Domain name, photoshop, storage for the pictures and stories on a server that I don’t have to worry about mine crashing. It also pays for Grammarly and other things that allow me to work. (like a new mouse when mine crapped out on me.) I don’t work, instead, I do this, so your help is greatly appreciated. In a time that my hubby is cutting the cost so that we can buy our first house, it is awesome to tell him that my readers support us where I can keep my tools I use for the site. It costs nothing to you, just use the link to connect to Amazon, and I get credit for what you buy. I also get credit if you click on something, even if you don’t buy it. But the amount of clicks can up the percentage I get. It never gets about 10%, unless they are doing specials. I am adding ads later for those specials for November.
As long as the Kittyinaz-20 is in the address when you click on Amazon, you will be giving me credit. I thank you guys for all you do for the site. Our Thank you page for the donations got messed up and none of the user names came through. I don’t feel easy to list all the people who donated without their screen names. So I am gathering thank you cards and will be sending them out to the ones who donated. I first have to buy stamps. oops.
I do know we are still short of the amount needed to pay the monthly dues for the security, and I will try to give you guys the amount we are missing. Now I have an hour to write, and I am going to see if I can get more out on Aos Si…
Yes, you heard correctly, it is time for some Tea Shoppe!
I have an update to both the Twilighted and the original. I know, I know. I’m behind on updating, but I had what was trying to be a migraine after I posted on Tuesday. I should be having one soon, since we are getting a cold front pushing through, and I am extremely sensitive to barometric pressure changes.
Plus, tomorrow is grandma day and is supposed to be BEAUTIFUL. I love cold fronts, they wipe away the humidity and give us cooler weather. It looks like we will have both Friday and Saturday of pretty weather, so who knows what will happen those days.
For what has been going on, not much. Right now I am surrounded by pets, especially a Connor who is thrilled with Mom being up and in the office. I am going to try to write or edit something. We will see, since I am also trying to work around the possibility of a storm. I even threw my sheets and stuff in the wash early so I can hopefully get them done ahead of time.
So if I don’t talk to you before Sunday, have a great weekend.
And in case you might have forgotten these are all the chapters updated so far this week:
Yep, that is right, we have a chapter of Sacred ready for you to go, even through technology has been fighting me every step of the way.
Seriously, I am literally pulling my hair at my outlook (the office version) since it will not connect me with my email, that is hosted by Microsoft. But it will hold the Gmail account on it. This all changed on 10/12/2016 so I am blaming the massive updates I got to Windows 10 AND Office 365.
Yes, I am confused also.
Our wonderful, awesome Robin has tried to wave her magic wand on my computer, but nothing has occurred besides it is very afraid of messing up again. So we are telling on it. so there.
I have received two entries so far for the October contest, I am just waiting to see if any more come in. And I am glad I am only hosting and making banners. Cause I really don’t know who I would vote for. They are both awesome.
As for me, I am slowly working on stuff. I have another chapter of Tired Wings up on my screen, and knowing I need to sit down to work on the OF. I may end up doing something like timing posts and so on. It does take me actually longer to edit and post a chapter than it does for me to write it.
I am going back to Sundays off. I cannot be on the computer in this office all week. I may get other days ‘off’ but most of the time, I am stressing, thinking about getting back on it, so even if I am not online, or in the office, I am thinking about it. Sundays I can relax, catch up on reading, and most importantly, not burn out.
Cause I am getting close. I need to take some time off, but haven’t come up with a good enough reason for myself. But I will be structuring other things to make sure I have some breaks from writing or editing, to allow myself to relax more. The weather is finally cooling off that we actually reach the 70’s at night! LOL… This Friday is going to be awesome since we will be at 74! Love cold fronts!!! Soon I can open windows and let fresh air cool the house off instead of the AC. YEAH!!!!
I am also planning to pick up my photoshop lessons. Set an alarm and so on. This way I can work on it, as well as other things. I am basically easing into life away from the computer, and hopefully, it will make productivity the same as when I am in AZ. Since when I am there, I can be out running around and somehow write massively.
So I am off to relax for a little bit, Hopefully, find something to eat so I can get some energy to come back and work. Enjoy the chapter!
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