Checking in

by Kittyinaz | Aug 30, 2017 | Uncategorized

Yes, I am still alive.

For those who don’t know, I live in Santa Fe, Tx, between Houston and Galveston.  So you can imagine the last week I have had.

Give me some time to get over Harvey.  While I did not take on water, I have electricity, and food, I am going to have my first night of sleep soon without being worried or scared what the following morning will bring.

I took a nap today that lasted over 5 hours, not waking even when M walked into the room, which is HIGHLY irregular of me.  Tomorrow, I will start seeing what needs to be done around the house.

We went driving today to see the damage.  The difference each day brings is amazing. We escaped the house yesterday for 30 minutes, having to turn around when water blocked the roads.  I wish I took a video today to show you the difference.  Night and day.

But… We headed out to Friendswood to find a way to work for my mom. And it’s heartbreaking there.  While they have gas, they also have flooding on an epic scale there, along with having SEEN on friends posts others having a boat on the roads we were taking.  Full fledge boats. With only being able to see the roofs barely of the buildings we were looking at now.

While the rains have stopped, the flooding is still present.  There are areas STILL impassable by flood waters, and we can see the cars lying in the water, with windows broken to escape the waters.  The horror stories we watched, especially the first day when literally 10 minutes down the road by car, Dickinson was flooded.  The road we used today to access I45, was a raging river on the first real flood.  The one that covered my yard, flooded my garage enough to move paint cans that were half full, full plastic tubs that have weight to them.  Luckily, it did not flood our vehicles, but damn.

My family made it through it, including my extended family.  There are members who have gone out in their boats to help, in their trucks and jeeps.   WE rescued a family member and had them stay here, and hating the fact we cannot escape our town to help others because none of us had a boat or truck.

Now the cleanup has started.  It smells.  I feel so sorry for those who are by the full creeks and are suffering through the flooding still occurring for them.  The bayous are full.  The rivers are cresting, the dams are spilling water.  Areas that never flooded before are now under water. This is not a joke.

I have heard online the question of why didn’t we leave.  There are 6.5 million people in Houston (Houston includes the surrounding areas also people… All the way down to Galveston and so on.  There is no break in the roads the cities and towns are all blended into one city).  Last time we tried to escape a Hurricane, Rita happened.  It was a horror situation that looked like something out of a movie.  People were still stuck on the roads DAYS after they tried to leave.

Now let’s think about this.  I watched I45 and I10, two major evacuation routes, have water that was 16 FEET deep.  Imagine if all those cars were still on the road when that happened?  Instead of the rising death toll that is not yet a 100 at the time of this post, it would have been thousands if not reaching hundreds of thousands of people.  More people have died in a car than in their houses.  Even right now.

However, in all this mind numbing horror, there are bright spots.  Neighbors helping others.  Complete strangers coming from everywhere to help.  Knowing personally some people who fought against everything to be able to give of themselves, even when they have lost everything.

This is what Texas is about.  Don’t be waylaid on stories on the bad parts of Harvey.  There are plenty on the news that you can watch for free, instead of the lies that are on Facebook.  Look for the good stories, of people coming in to help.  Of stores that are opening, cause I can tell from a personal experience of HEB, that the stockers there bent over backward trying to help those of us that came in for supplies.  Target did the same also!!!

So send your prayers, stop back talking the Mayor of Houston, he had Lives he had saved taking the route he did.  And try to look at the fact that it is regular joes who bought out the stores of boats so they could use them to rescue others.

That is being #HoustonStrong.

Let’s Talk About…

by Kittyinaz | Jul 27, 2017 | Uncategorized

Depression.

Specifically my personal Hell aka Depression.

First, there is this general idea that if you have depression, you are depressed.

Not true.

For me, it means slowly going numb,  I might feel something once in a great while, but it is fleeting and gone before I can realize that something cut through the numbness.

It also means I have to talk to myself each and every time I wake up on why I should get up.  And then try not to feel guilty when I cannot manage to get out of bed.  Or when I actually managed to get out of bed, why I didn’t get dressed, why didn’t I take a shower, why didn’t I do anything?  Even though getting out of bed was a major achievement, I am reminded by myself how pathetic it is that I think that is huge.

It makes me wonder why I keep trying, then shrug and keep on trying.  Since to me the alternative is worse.

I try to talk to my hubby.

I try to get back on track and do the things that were so easy just yesterday, this past week, last week, and so on.

I feel ashamed that I could not clean house because it felt too big a chore and start hating everyone and everything that didn’t clean up after themselves.  I get mad and feel like it is useless to clean up when everyone won’t care to keep it up so why should I?

But it is an excuse to not clean.  Because again, it is too hard to acknowledge that I failed to do anything.

I feel guilty for not doing things that are so easy for others.  I feel guilty if I feel happy for a fleeting moment in time.  I am depressed, I shouldn’t be happy.

I am bored to death, can’t find myself interested in even reading, or start on a new hobby that I asked to learn.  I play crystals on a game only because for some reason it is the only thing that allows me to exist and not feel so lost.

I am not saying all this for sympathy points, but to have the chance to tell someone out there, that I DO know what you are going through.

One of the things that have helped me is a page on Facebook called the Mighty.  Reading that, I find out more about people like me, who suffer through the same things.

Found out about the fog, but that other people might call it other things.  I never thought of it as a fog, since to me fog meant I was not clear minded.  I could think very clearly, but my feelings?  The urge to get up and type out the stories playing out in my head was overridden by the inability to get out of bed.  And for me, that is unusual.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a week. But RL keeps butting in and those few days that I feel able to work, are instead used to take people elsewhere, to spend time with hubby, who is trying, but not succeeding in cheering me up.  I have actually taken days to write this post, in fact.

I forget to eat unless he makes me food.  Unfortunately, this feeds into the existing condition where my body thinks I am starving it.  I don’t eat enough but I never lose weight.  Which of course doesn’t help with the depression.

Then there is my insomnia.

My personal demon and what led to everything going worse.  It comes to haunt me all the time.  Its been worse lately, leading to more and more of the thoughts that aren’t helping.  The ones that make it harder to deal with everything.

But, through all of this, I will say this.  My pets.  They DO help.

They are freaking wonderful.  When people talk about the things that make them conitnue, it is them.

Just this morning, they were the reason I got up.  And I had all of them lying at my door looking up at me.   Since then I’m not alone.  At least one pet checks up on me, including my moms cat.

And then there are the wonderful ladies that help me.  The betas and especially Royal Ember.  They tell me they are there.  That if I need to talk or just vent to they are there.

I just wanted to let you guys know, I’m alive.  I’m fighting.   And I’m grateful for you guys.  Thanks for being patient as I work myself out of this funk.  I know I need to announce the winners, and I will try to get there soon, as well as writing and posting.

please be patient, I’m getting there.

And please, if you need to talk, feel free to reach out. I will gladly listen to you.

For I know what it is like to think that I am a burden on others or that this is all a waste of time.  Very intimately.

It happens, and you are not weird, wrong to think or anything else.  You just need to realize that it is your depression talking and not really you.

i hope this helps someone, as it has helped me these last few days as I fought my way to being out of bed.  To eat.  To shower.  To do anything at all.

You are worth it.