Chapter 22 Feel So Far From Home (Outtake)


Pre Edit Count – 5,761 Words

Song I listened to for this chapter: Where I Come From by Lifehouse


Sighing, she nods.  Eric looks up at her, “Well, syrra.  I will hand the makings of the second club to you.  I like your ideas for Godric’s.  Since this will be where you will be if you come to visit me, I want you to be comfortable.” He pushes his trust to her and meets her grin.  He expects this will be a lot of back and forth, but he loves how imaginative she was for their club.  He is looking forward to her ideas for his club.

Godric’s mind starts to twist, as it sends up warning signs for a danger to his mate.  A quick glance at Peter shows him worried also.  Pamela will not like this.  And he is not looking forward to her reactions. Another glance at Peter and his look at him confirms this in his head. 

Pamela maybe a problem if Eric doesn’t do something.


Godric called a halt to the planning session when he felt Andrew’s pull for his day sleep to begin.  He told them all to take a literal break, and sent them off to rest, only holding back Eric, Bella and Alcide.

When it is just them, he sits back in his chair with Bella on his lap as always. He gives her head a kiss as he looks at his Son and his Guardian.  He cannot deny the pluses in having either Paul or Jasper over Alcide.  But Alcide’s family, and more importantly, Alcide himself, has earned his position many times over since he has become Godric’s Guardian.  He may have been the best he ever had, in fact.  With this in mind, he looks at Alcide.  “Is this what you want?  I can try to pull strings and have her brought here.” He will leave this up to his Guardian.

Looking at the large monitor showing the outside, Alcide sighs. “I’d rather do that, but this is a question I have been asked just recently.   You know Afanasi is pushing for a Council of all the Supes, especially before the Reveal.  He thinks it will help with public reactions and any concerns for future Reveals.  And he has asked me to be there as part of the Weres.  I have asked to think about it, but the timing is suggesting for me to do it.” He smiles wryly.  He never thought he would do it, but the honor of being asked is a huge one.

Bella smiles. “But this is a good thing.  And I bet you were chosen in part since you are Godric’s Guardian.  That means you have been trained to think more about Vampires and other Supes than most Weres,”  she asks, with nothing in her voice but pride that one of the people who mean so much to her Mate is being chosen for such an honor.

Eric nods.  “That would make sense.” Bella is right on the money with that remark.  Alcide is much more knowledgeable about other Supes because of his training.  He would be the Were who Eric would want on the Council, knowing that he will not automatically vote for Were interests each time.  He would really think about all the consequences.  But at the same time, he is leery of all their Guardians being replaced at once.  Having all new ones is not ideal.  However, on the other side of the coin, all of the new ones, with the exception of Paul, have been in battles of their own and have led others. It is not as though they are raw.

Godric, though, is staring at Alcide. “It is up to you.  Don’t feel like you are being forced.” He knows how much Alcide has wanted this.  After all, Alcide is tied to him by blood, and he can feel the young Were.  Godric knows how hard he has worked under Eric for this honor.  This will be Alcide’s choice.

Alcide finally looks up at him. “But in a way, I am.  I think this really is the right thing to do.  Who knows, the Council can’t be meeting every day, so I can still make my home here, and run the business.  The Gods know that you will need a company to handle your building needs.  And who better than me?  You will never need to wonder if you can trust me.” He grins at him at the end.  He wants the business, not because it will guarantee work for his boys, but because he is excited about their plans.  They will revolutionize the building of clubs with the ideas he has seen.  Godric’s club fascinates him because he thinks it is something so new.  They are capitalizing on the past, and while it may seem old, the fact that the owners are vampires will make it fashionable, even in Dallas.  People will flock to see the vampires, but the club’s rules on attire will weed out the less desirable patrons.  They can go elsewhere.

Godric finally nods.  “If you feel this is a good move, then I have no issues.  I just wanted to make sure you didn’t feel forced.  Now, what do you think about the Whitlocks?” He is very interested in Alcide’s opinion.  He has his own opinion, of course, and will entertain the opinions of his Mate and Son., but Alcide has a unique look on life that he has always valued.

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Alcide sighs and sinks into a chair across from the three of them. “I actually like and trust them.  What I don’t like is how easily they got inside.  I am hoping that they will help close up those holes in security.”  He looks off to the side, thinking through his next words.  Then he tells them, “I actually like the idea of them being your Guardians.  I’m not sure why they split the three of you up the way they have, but Peter insists that Paul remain Bella’s Guardian.  And to have Jasper here, too.  I’m not sure why, though, since Eric is an ancestor of Jasper…shouldn’t he want to be with him?” He shakes his head at the end, not understanding why Jasper wouldn’t want to be with Eric.  There is just something about this that bothers him.

Godric shakes his head. That is one of the few things that made sense to him.  “Jasper is more connected to Bella.  I think that is a big part of it.  And I think that I will insist on him traveling with her.  Here, I like having Paul around.  I think the Guardianships are going to change.  Instead of being the Guardian to one of us, I would like to have both Paul and Jasper be Guardians to us both.  I think it will be the best use of their time.  Jasper has managed armies.  I like to have that expertise with me. Eric is his own commander of troops.  Jasper is more than able to handle Guarding us when we are together and Paul needs to sleep. What concerns me is you, Eric.”

The fact that Eric is getting two of the Guardians worries him. He wishes he knew what Peter did, because he has an uneasy feeling that the things the young Cold One is holding back may be what hurts them.  But he feels as though he can trust Peter.  He would like to talk to him, to get to know him.  He thinks that the over-talking is hiding things that Peter has to keep quiet or that he has been shown in the past that speaking of them would be disastrous.  His Knower is a valuable tool, but he cannot think the bearing of such a gift can be easy.

Bella nods in agreement with her Mate’s comments as she looks at Eric. “I get the feeling that I’m not the only change coming for you.  Peter was more excited about the new club than even we were.  But from his reactions, he knows what Fangtasia is going to be like, and he is the sort who would enjoy Guarding you there more than at the other place.  I think we need to get everything in place that we can.  And that means me, too, gentlemen.” She is resolute at the end. There is something happening and she is not sure that they will have the time for a perfect turn, which she suspects is what Godric wants.

Growls erupt from both of them. She has no idea why they don’t want her turned, so shaking her head, she asks, “Don’t you want me to changed?” And there is a slight hurt in her voice and in their bonds.

Godric pulls her closer into his chest.  “Yes, very much so.  But I don’t want it rushed, a ghra!  There are many changes happening, and I want to be able to concentrate on you once you are turned.” He knows she thinks he is waiting for the perfect time, but there is no such thing.  The “perfect” time would have been in Forks.   However he does want to do it right, to allow her the time to enjoy life as a human.

Eric nods, but knowing Bella, he decides to explain the actual issues that they are facing regarding the turning.  Looking into her eyes, he tells her, “We have no idea what gifts you will be given upon rising.  And without knowing that, there is no way to prepare you for all of them.  Nor is there any way to know how strong your abilities are going to be.  The fact that you won’t be able to drink from any but the two of us also has me concerned.  It’s not like we can have bags of donor blood ready, and the potency of our blood is gone pretty fast except for the drug-like qualities.  I will not have you as my little sister having anything but the best!” His eyes are a deep blue as he tells her this.  He wants her to have everything she needs to be powerful.

No matter what Peter says, she will be turned by them.  They will be there to ensure that she will be as strong as she can be, though he does wonder at the strength of a newborn turned by Godric, who is an elder.  And being fed exclusively by their blood, which would make her…much stronger.  He would never do it normally since it would be so hard to switch over to normal blood, but if she can never drink it…

Listening to his Son listing all the reasons that he himself has thought of, Godric agrees. “There is plenty to be done, and you will be by my side at all times.  Any time lost is only when you need it, but it will be the same as when you are a vampire.  A thaisce, you will have much to keep your attention.  And I will have you changed before the end of the year.  Just give us until then to get you and us ready.” Plus, there is that wedding, and getting the ring.  He knows not much about humans, but even he knows how important an engagement ring is in her culture.

Sighing, she nods, and rests her head back in what she considers her nook in his neck.  She had never considered the things Eric had brought up.

Godric holds her close, but he is looking at Eric and acknowledging the truths he has pointed out.  To say the least, his Mate will have a hell of a turning. He remembers how hungry Eric, Nora and Andrew were upon their rising.

Alcide has been clicking on the desk and he tells them, “Well, I’m set.  I’ll be out of the state by this evening.  I have also issued orders for the work to start in the three locations.  If everything is how we think it will be, I will be back later this week to see the progress.  If Eric doesn’t mind, I think I will give Godric priority.  But then, with it being in two states, I have some who can work in one state and not in the other.” His mind is swirling with the ideas he has for the work crews, and how to get their plans becoming reality as soon as possible.

They nod, and Alcide leaves the room with one grinning glance back at them.  There is no doubt that he wants to meet his Mate.

The three sit there thinking.  Eric finally leans forward. “So we are going to do this?” He is asking about all of it:  Godric taking the reins of the state, taking down Sophie Anne, building the new clubs, and all the complications involved.  He knows that Godric will do anything for Bella, the same as he would for him, so that was not even part of the question.

Godric is trailing his hand down his Mate’s arm and he smirks as he watches the goose bumps follow the path of his fingers as he nods to Eric.  “Yes.  I already let Andrew know.  The coronation ceremony will wait until the club is ready but it is in effect as of tonight.  And I will have Peter and Charlotte be in charge of your little problem.  I feel as though they will be effective there.” He chuckles at the thought.  And they will be effective as Cold Ones, not subject to her, and under his protection as well.  Yes, they will do great as the spymasters in charge of the take down of Sophie Anne.  And if they do as well as he thinks they will, he may just put them in charge of his own spy network.

Bella laughs at the idea, “Why do I think that Peter loves being who and what he is?” She just shakes her head at her… well, great grandfather?  But he had mentioned he wanted to be closer than that.  She is just not sure what he will be to her.

Watching the two of them, Eric grins as he sees the reaction his sister is having to Godric’s caresses. He enjoys their interactions and the feelings he gets from the Bonds. “And he has no problem letting the world know.  He will be a good match for me, actually.  I like Jasper, and I think we will get along well.  But for the beginning?  I think he will be better for the two of you and for Paul, too.  He cares.  Peter is entertaining and probably will always have fun, and I suspect he’ll give me more leeway than Jasper would.” He smirks at his sister, knowing as well as she does that she will be more on lock-down.  And damn right she would be!  She has been the target of too much already.

Leaning his head back, Godric answers Eric, “I agree.  As much as I don’t like it, you have been without a true Guardian since you left my side.  For now, let’s go with what we have.  And Eric, can you see about getting someone here to feed Bella and Paul?” He is running through the plans he has made since he and Bella got up.  He needs Bella by his side and not worrying about cooking, cleaning and so on.  But knowing her, he will need to bring it to her slowly.  First thing, however, is getting her a cook.  That will be the easiest to get past her.

Allan Hyde 4

Bella starts to shake her head in denial, but Godric stops her. “A ghra, you have had no time to make food for yourself.  I don’t see this stopping anytime soon, either.  And Paul has admitted to being hopeless in the kitchen.  So even if you were turned tonight, I would still need to hire one for him.  The rest of the servants can be discussed later.  But for now, allow me to keep you healthy.” He stares into her blue eyes, a slight smile on his face as he notices they are exactly like Eric’s.  He loves his Son, and he hopes that Eric will now become the final part of the offer he had made him so very long ago:  Brother.  God knows Eric has taught him so much, but he is tired of being his Father.

As Godric stares down at his Mate, Eric speaks up, “I would also like Bella to have some of my blood tonight.  Peter said the pain is because your brain is much more advanced than your human body.  So unless you want to complete the third exchange and all that it signifies, I wish you to take my blood.  It will help strengthen our own Bond as well as help you manage the pain.” He smiles.  Even though he knows their Goddess-Blessed Bond is permanent, he will feel better knowing that this kind of Bond, something that he understands, will be there.  His smile turns wry as he can hear that his Goddess is not pleased that he would doubt the Bond that she herself had put into place.

Bella looks at him then Godric.  “You keep mentioning drug like properties to your blood.” She is not protesting, but she wants to make sure that she understands it all.  She never wants to find out later it does something different.

Godric cuts her off in mid-thought, “It is all intention.  I prefer you to have only my blood, but that may not always be possible.  There normally are side effects, but since you and Eric already have a fully formed Bond Blessed by the Goddess, I don’t think you have to worry about wanting him sexually, nor dreaming of him in that way.  Plus he already loves you, so the dreams would not be bad.  But a thaisce, I do agree with him, now that we know how to prevent this from being a problem, you should get blood from each of us each day.  It will help put to off the change.” His gazes down into her eyes.  He is being sincere; now that they know what causes the pain, he wants to ease her suffering as much as possible.  This will extend her human time since it didn’t matter how much of their blood she had.  She is already Goddess Bonded, and on her way to being Bonded to him.

Thinking about it, Bella closes her eyes. “It just feels wrong.” She tries to explain why it felt wrong, but she is at a loss for words.

Eric pulls her into his lap, and looks into her eyes.  “Why, syrra?  Do you not want to be free of pain?  Godric and I have been pulling the pain away from you all day, but you should be feeling the effects.  It is not as if your body has not been needing this.  That is what the pain signifies.” He truly is trying to understand here.  Why is she feeling reluctant?  Is it his blood?

She looks into his eyes, then tells him, “But what if it makes me more of a freak?  I already can’t be a normal vampire.  And then to find out that my brain is different?” Tears gather in her eyes as she tells her brother one of her worries.

Alexander Skarsgard, True Blood

Eric pulls her to him and shushes her, his hand rubbing her back.   He tells her softly, “You are not a freak.  You are a blessing.  I will do anything for you, syrra.  Giving you my blood to have you in my life is NOT a hardship.  It really does nothing in me, and it is easily replaced.  Now, if you ask for other parts for me, well, they take longer to grow back.  I am not giving you anything besides the haircut you asked for and for the blood you need to survive on.”  The last is said teasingly.

When she finally nods, he quickly reaches up, bites his wrist, and offers it to her.  And he readies himself for the effect that taking blood normally has on that person.

Amazingly, there is none.  He can feel their Bond but nothing sexual takes place.  And for that, he is very glad.  He takes pleasure knowing he can help care for his syrra, but that is all it is.

Godric also monitors the Bond he has with the two of them for any effects.  When nothing happens besides her pain receding and Eric’s happiness in being close to his sister, he too relaxes.  He wouldn’t deny the two of them being closer, but either of them having the typical sexual reaction?  NoHis Mate.

Once Eric’s wrist closes, she looks up at him and smiles.  After wiping the corner of her mouth, she gives Eric a kiss on his cheek.  He grins back at her, and kisses her chastely.  Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear he says, “Jag älskar dig, Min Syrra.” (I love you, my sister.)

Godric soon has her back in his arms. He licks Eric’s blood from her finger, then, with a growl, he is gone from the room with her in his arms.

Eric leans back laughing.  While there was no effect from her drinking his blood on either of them, it had obviously affected Godric!  He turns to the computer and starts working on the requests his Maker had made.  This should be an interesting couple of hours…

Godric quickly has them in the room, and has her pressed against the wall  His lips were devouring hers, and hers equally demanding of his own, with their love, desire and plain lust for the other bouncing to and from  each other in the bond.

He only stops to check on her well-being, and grins at her as he murmurs into her lips, “Are you sure a thaisce?  The need from you is quite overwhelming.” His voice is much deeper than normal, and he is rubbing his erection into her center as she has her legs around his hips.

She moans as he nips at her throat, but she hesitates. He murmurs, “Only as far as you wish to go.  I will not push you, a ghra.  Never ever.”  Each word is bestowed with a kiss and a large surge of love being sent to her.

He knows that they will Mate, and probably very soon if the raging desire in both of their bodies is any sign, but for now he will go only as fast as she wants.

He soon has her clothes floating in the air from where he had torn them into tiny little bits. Her moans were spurring him on as he took in his Mate’s luscious body for the second time.

Bella and Godric 1

A smirk forms on his face for the pleasure he is about to bestow upon her. He kisses her deeply, his fingers moving down her body for him to start his promise to her of knowing her body intimately.   As his fingers reach her undoubtedly dripping love box so he could stroke her pussy, he found his Mate’s hands on his stopping him from petting her kitty.

He looks down at his a thaisce and asks softly, “Bella?”  He can feel – and smell – that she wants this as badly as he does.  God knows his cock is straining to be pillaging that love cave of hers.

She looks at him, cups his face between her hands, and asks, “When is the last time you washed your hands?”

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Everything stops at that points as he frowns down at her. “I don’t understand.”  He can feel her need for him, and his hands are so close to the promised land. So why is she asking when he washed his hands?  What does that have to do with the glorious scent coming from his mate?  He can feel her succulent juices running down their legs and there is no way he doesn’t want to be licking up that sweet honey gushing from that pot of hers.

Looking at him with love in her eyes, she asks him again, “When is the last time you washed your hands???”  It is a pretty easy question to answer, she thinks.

He just stares at her. Seeing how confused he is, Bella sighs, then explains to him, “I read on this author’s page about the hazards of sex in fanfiction. And this was one of them. I didn’t think you would be so clichéd as to want to lick my dripping honey pot, though.”  Seeing his shocked face, she leans forward and kisses him sweetly before she continues, “So, I worried about the last time you washed your hands, what with you being a vampire and all.”  She looks into his glorious eyes and waits for him to answer.

Godric can do nothing but stare at his Mate for some long minutes.

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When nothing happens, she finally takes her legs from his waist and, landing on her feet, tells him, “I’ll be in the tub when you are ready….” With that she sashays into the bathroom, leaving a shell-shocked vampire gaping behind her.

Godric is trying to make sense of what just happened.  They were getting hot and heavy, and then she stops to ask if he washed his hands?  Where the fuck did this worry about hygiene come from?  He looks around their room and he suddenly notices the new box of baby wipes by the bedside…and the industrial-sized jugs of Germ-X all over the place.  He swallows hard and eventually pulls on a pair of sweats.  His mind is trying to make some sort of sense of what has happened.

Wandering out of the room, he sees Eric still in the conference room and sits down next to him.

Eric looks up and, noticing his maker there, casually asks, “Author on fanfiction?”  He was in that position not too long before.  It makes no sense.  Who goes and washes their hands before they go to fuck someone?  Especially a fuck and feed!

Godric dazedly nods at his son.

Eric nods as Peter and Jasper walk in.  Godric barely looks up at them, and nods as well.  He suspects that these two have been in this position before, at least once.

Peter sits down and puts a hand on Godric’s shoulder in commiseration, “Yeah, she got to Charlotte, too.”  He shakes his head.  Where the fuck are these women coming from?  They’re vampires – it ain’t like they wipe themselves or pee.  Nope.  He takes showers when he feels dirty which is, what, every once a month or so?  They don’t sweat or shed skin cells or even have body odor.

Godric just stares at the table. His voice shows how shocked he is when he tells them, “I was finally going to have her….”

Eric nods. “Yeah, I had it when I was in the middle of a fuck and feed, when the vermin asked me when I had last washed my hands.  When I just stared at her trying to figure out what she was talking about, she got up and left.  Pam had to explain it to me.”  He shakes his head and exclaims, “Don’t they know we are vampires???”

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Peter just shakes his head in commiseration, “Try me! Fuck -Char is a vampire! It’s not like she can get a disease!” Peter whines to them.

Jasper sits back and finally asks, “I don’t get it.”  What the hell is up with washing hands?

Eric looks up from the paperwork in front of him, and, seeing that he really has no clue about it, informs him, “It all started out as a rant from some fanfiction author who was getting annoyed at so many badly written fanfiction lemons.”

Interrupting him, Jasper clears his throat and asks, “Lemons?”  What does fruit have to do with sex?

Jackson Rathbone 2

Blown away by his sire’s question, Peter looks up at him, “What the fuck man, even I know what a lemon is!”  Shaking his head he tells him, “Seriously. You need to check out this other author. She has the citrus grades down to a science.”  He had taken it upon himself to make sure there would be no more halts in their fucking.  He liked a shower scene he had read in one book and tried it.  And, since they were already in the shower, Char didn’t ask about clean hands.

Jasper stares at him with a raised eyebrow.  He truly has no idea what they are talking about.  He had been with the tomboyish Malice for the last 60 years.  All she cared about was fashion.  Reading was overrated according to her.

“Fuck. It’s when you fuck the girl.”  Peter cannot help it.  He remembers his sire telling them they need to keep up with the times, yet he doesn’t know what a lemon was?

Jasper growls at his progeny, “Hey, I’ve been with a sexless  boy-like female for the last 60 years.  Give me a break.”  It had been hell.  Straight up hell.

Eric’s eyebrow goes up and he leans back with his hands folded on his stomach, “Why the hell would you be with a boy-like female for that long?” Jasper is a good looking male. Why would he settle for a stick figure?  It’s obvious with the hate in his voice that it was not something he enjoyed.

Godric just shakes his head.  Who the hell cares? He snarls out, “I had Bella against the fucking wall, then when she was giving into me, and I had her naked in front of me and…she stopped me!!” His Mate, he was going to finally have the woman of his dreams and was stopped!  Who the fuck cares what Jasper has been fucking?

Jasper just stares at Godric and takes in the frustrated vampire in front of him.

As he feels for Godric’s plight, Peter growls, “Well this fanfiction author wrote about all these clichés in lemon scenes out there. And she then makes remarks about germs from the males fingers going up into the females honey pots or caverns, mentioning mold and yeast infections and bugs and bats coming from it.  This rant got to these other authors and they commented on it.  It evolved to the point that one of them was making fun of sex between an Eric and some chic named Sookie, mentioning using flannel…and logs-“

All the men shudder and tell him, “We get it!!”

Eric reminds himself to never wear flannel, but since he hardly knows the names of the vermin he fucks, he cannot help that part.  But he will never, ever wear flannel.  No matter what Pam says.

Godric looks up. “You mean my Mate, the woman I have waited for over 2,000 years for, who is still a virgin in a hot and rocking bod that is my very dreams brought to life, who was panting for me and weeping for me-“

Interrupting the elder vampire, Peter shouts, “That was a point from the list!!! Never use that or the word ‘dripping’!”

Godric growls at the Cold One, his eyes darkening as he snarls out, his fangs showing, “The fucking point is that she was wanting me and ready for us to go all the way, and some author ranting about the clichés in this fanfiction caused her to stop us!!”

Godric and you provoke me

His eyes glow bright as he demands from Eric, “I want the name and address of this author.”

Trying to help a brother out, Peter hesitantly tells him, “Umm, it’s fanfiction. They write under fake names.”

Godric slams his hands down hard enough to crack his computer conference table. “I want that fucking name!!!”

Eric quickly gives him a name. Godric runs out of the room cussing and swearing.

Jasper just sits there laughing his ass off.

Peter looks at him. “You are laughing when he is going to ruin a woman’s life?” He is shocked at the anger in Godric; he would have never thought the vampire would go that crazy.

Jasper snorts from the laughter. “He gave him Charlaine Harris’s name.”  Even he knows how fucked up that writer is; he had heard Rose and Esme ranting and gagging about slippy slappy seal sex.

Godric is about to get every woman’s revenge on the woman.

The End

Final count: 5,472 words.

Hope you enjoyed this little outtake.  It came from a night of talking to my betas in our chats and they begged me to finish it.  Now to read the real chapter, click here.

And if you want to read the rant that inspired this, go here.  The author about the citrus is me since I explained one night in detail the difference between citrus levels. 





  1. missrissa81

    I can’t help loving this so much!!!!!

    • andrewpine

      Seriously.guess there won’t be any more Sookie books when Godric gets done.LOL.why didn’t he follow her to the bathroom?

  2. missrissa81

    I can’t help loving this so much!!!!! I can’t wait for more!!!

  3. Casper22

    OMG You totally had me believing this was the real chapter- brilliantly written BTW.
    I’m off to read the ‘real’ chapter.
    I hope Godric eviscerates Charlaine Harris for crimes against humanity…and the Viking!
    Best Wishes

  4. 4padfoot

    Okay I know I am behind on reviews…*bad Bad Robin* But I have been working and wordpressing…ask anyone…”no excuses!!” I Know so hopefully this one will get me back on track and out of trouble! Okay Chapter 22 – So Godric is now talking with his “day” crew poor Andrew, night night…we are so going to be pranking on him soon. Yeah…we can’t loose Alcide…that is eye-candy…no losing him. NASH!!! Yes the Weres reveal…hummm…I’ll help. Yes Minion Alcide…you have learned well from Eric. No newbies tend to make rookie mistakes….good night i am being cliche. STAY Alcide..or Go but if you go you MUST visit…often. OH Picture of hotness…we really must keep all the hotness in these stories confined to Wendy’s site *will be working on that hotness trap later.* Sneaky Cold ones…yes must patch the holes in the security that could be very very bad. Excellent sorting on who will be guardians of whom. If you had put too many chiefs in one pile you’d lose. Have them spread out. CHANGE Bella now…whoa wait that came out of the blue. Snickers..Bella being hungry enough to drink Eric and Godric almost dry….better stock up some way boys! I have a feeling it is coming soon. Superpowered Newborn…on a steady ancient blood diet…yeah she is so going to be able to FLY! NOOOOO Alcide just left….*sniffs* he better be back soon! King Godric that is how it should be!… *coughs* Eric…when are you stepping up ? *sits forward on chair for Eric’s blood drug properties explanation. Waiting to see how he explains that one* Aww Godric I wanted to see Eric squirm…*glares at Eric’s snicker* *GASP*…bad Eric you just set Godric up to fail! They are on the wall now. *must read faster* Stops hands what…*smacks Bella with the popcorn bucket* Are you nuts? What, washed his hands? Snickers she stunned him so bad he can’t think or speak. LMAO. What fanfiction? *so totally confused now* *joins Godric in staring at Bella then leans over and whispers I think its catching wanna run away together?* What the frack? The tub…okay change of scene. *Wake up Godric go follow your mate.* snaps fingers in front of Godric. What the frackty frack take those pants back off NOW! I wanted a lemon. What the hell…once a month to shower….*rushes off to get the soap* KAREN!!! WENDY!!! what have you done to me? *sits down in terror* okay stop breathe *screw it quickly scrolls to the end of the chapter what the flipping frackty fuck THE END scrolls back up that is what i get for cheating and looking ahead* I am not happy … what is this…Eric you had better be unconfusing me. Jasper I will smack you for being a stupid male if you don’t redeem yourself quickly! Whats a lemon? You did not just say that. Thank you Peter, you have my permission to go smack your sire!. LOL at sexless boy-like female. Thats right focus here I was fixing to get to read a lemon, YES Jasper a lemon and somehow we got off track. Godric you should be in the bathroom tub NOW not here. Eric, flannel, I don’t know you might be able to pull it off…I will be a judge for you if you need one. *ducks from Sharon and Rissas pillows* “What you told me to read that chapter it was good, you said! *grumbles at memories of warnings of other chapters” Cockblocked! That is what it is called Godric…want to go blow something up? NAMES! ERIC YOU ARE A BLOODY BRILLIANT EVIL GENIUS. I will be your minion for life now! I would love to have THAT outtake of Godric arriving at CH’s house *don’t even want to give her the privilege of a full name* and dealing everyones revenge for us. EXCELLENT, Perfect, Brilliant out take. I was completely fooled until i cheated and scrolled to the end. Which just confused me more!!!…so I will bow down to your master minds! I’m not worthy!


    *rushes off to read the REAL chapter now…yeah right this one was a real, funny chapter too!!!*

  5. red

    This was so funny: Love it: Please tell us you will have a foot note on what Godric does to that horrible CH

  6. mirkit1

    This has got me thinking…since the SVM series is over (not that the finish was in any way close to decent; I got half way through the last book, and then gave up and broke down crying), we technically have no reason to leave Charlaine Harris alive. Hmmm…anyone know how to hire a hit man? 😀

  7. duckbutt60

    Bazinga! Got me with this one –off to read “the real thing”….

  8. theladykt

    OMG That was freakin hilarious.

  9. natnat31

    Love this chapter 🙂

  10. Amber Taney

    I am rolling on the ground! That was so awesome! I remember that article which was…interesting. anyway CH would be in for a surprise if Godric showed up. If you can’t write about sex only some horror and half a good plot, take a class! Ask you many talented ff authors who can show you the ropes. Anywho, wonderful chapter, looking forward to more 😉

  11. kinnik


  12. gaijinvamp

    I’m always surprised at how many showers people in Twific & SFM take. They shower  when they rise, again when they return from work or school, then when they go out, again when then return home. That’s 4X per day. It’s ridiculous. When I lived in Japan, we bathed at night and were all ready to leave the house the next morning after washing our face & brushing our teeth. Here, in the states, it’s a morning thing. Second or third showers are for Hellish summer months.Of course, I’m not having as much sex as fanfic characters, but I’m not dirty either.

  13. gaijinvamp

    Oh, thanks for the rant on CH. Well deserved. No more quivering puppies!

  14. gaijinvamp

    Why is Godric just sitting there bitching with his friends. Join her in the bath and get your hands clean together.

  15. murgatroid98

    Ohy, that was funny. I have to agree though. As long as she is human, things should be clean. Godric should definitely get into the tub with her.

  16. tj6james6

    Note to self: NEVER drink coffee when reading kitty’s outtakes! I don’t enjoy wearing it *smirk*
    Now, is there an out take of WHAT Godric does to CH? Cuz I want to see it, badly.
    *goes rummaging through the chapter list*

  17. gaijinvamp

    Why didn’t Godric get into the tub with her? He does understand that there are lots of things you can do while getting clean, doesn’t he?

    CH’s slippery seals and quivering puppies are the worst and she deserves all that Godric can do to her.

  18. tj6james6

    Sweatheart, you forgot the brain bleach! SSS sex is the best! Snort.
    Love her crack fic!

  19. desireecarbenell

    Well that was odd. I thought I accidently stepped into another story. LOL

    • Kittyinaz

      It had been a joke but my beta on the story who is the one that started it all, begged me to include it. I still laugh to this day about it.

  20. geenakmom

    Bwahaha!!! I remember when all that came up. Awesome chapter!



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