Chapter 14 Take Me As I Am

What If 14

Disclosure:  Twilight is the property of Stephenie Meyers.  I take the characters out of time and see what happens.

Pre Edit Count –   3,970 Words

Song I listened to for this chapter: (Everything I Do) I Do It For You by Bryan Adams


And he is not doing it because it is a beast thing.  They want to do it because they want to show her they want her for her.  And he will prove it by taking care of her…

With this, Bella realizes that she is the reason he is frustrated, his two halves at war.  His human side understands exactly and wants to give her time, but the beast inside of him is driving for it.  And she suspects it is driving it because while it agrees with the reason they are not mating yet, its instincts are telling him that he needs to show how worthy he is. How much she trusts him by doing this.

She closes her eyes as she sags in the chair. “Oh god, Carlisle.  I am sorry. I had no idea…”

She feels a breeze and then his hand on her chin raising it up.  She opens her eyes to him as he tells her, “Darling, there is no wrong in this.  There is only what we can agree to.  I hate this, that I feel as though I am forcing you to do something that you do not want, but I cannot give in too much.  Especially if we spend time around other males.  Luckily, they are all mated, and there will be no visitors for that period of time, hopefully.  But if you can accept this, accept me needing this, it will be greatly appreciated.  Can you give this poor vampire this request?” And he stares at her, hoping that she really understands that he needs that level of trust with her sine they are denying the mating, denying so many things right now, that his beast this assurance that she trusts him with her very survival.

She smiles at him, searching his eyes and the bond.  When she can only feel his honesty, she nods.


Carlisle is snuggled up on the couch, holding a book for Bella to read from. He reads the pages in a fraction of the time she does, but he spends the rest of the time waiting for her to catch up thinking about the fight earlier, and how the rest of the day went.

He is glad she is giving in, no more fighting over money. He hates that he felt, and still feels like he pressed her on the subject, but with her being so upset, it brought it to a head.

He nuzzles her, inhaling her scent and enjoying them being together this way. He smirks as he knows that going to bed will be its own enjoyment, but he will not let her back down from the closeness they had the night before.

While he knows it may be high handed of him, she has no idea how much he craves to have her in every sense. And while it may seem like huge steps to her, these are baby steps to him. He loves her, will do anything for her, and while he will live for her, he will also stand in front of her if someone threatens her happiness again.

But, he has a feeling that this idyllic time of their bonding will be cut short. He knows he can find her anywhere right now, but he wants her to start being prepared for their world. Carlisle needs for his mate to be stable, and having the vampire world thrust upon her with little warning or even an idea of how twisted some of the vampires are.  Well that would take everything they have managed to do to present everything in a positive light, and make it worse than before they met her.

His mind is tossing around ideas on how to bring up the lessons when Bella breaks him out of his thoughts.

Bella has been happy since the fight. She understands why she was resisting the idea of Carlisle taking care of her. The surface thoughts of being an independent woman, not wanting him to give her stuff she can never reciprocate were all nice and true. But the true reason she could not commit her heart completely is because of the pain it involves. But Carlisle is not Jacob, nor is he anyone else in her life. She used to take care of people and never need a helping hand, but Carlisle is not giving her a helping hand, he is taking care of her because he loves her. She needs to trust in him, and that is what she wasn’t giving him.

No wonder his beast was upset with the status quo. It couldn’t be with her the way that it wanted, and it sensed that it was also not getting the trust it needed. With the beast part being so much more instinctive with Carlisle, it made sense that it got to the heart of the matter before either of them.

And she does trust Carlisle. Completely. So giving him this last part of her was nothing. Well, the last part mentally. Physically, well that is another matter. And she starts thinking back to the night before, and even this morning.

After she had gotten through her embarrassment, did she not like the fact that she could see all of Carlisle? And had she not taken a bath with him of her own free will, fell asleep because she felt safe in his arms, all the while she was naked!, didn’t that mean something?

Noticing that Carlisle is lost in thought, she takes the time to search her heart and soul to decide what she really wants to do.

She loves Carlisle. As short a time as this has been, it is like he was born to be her love, as she was born to be his. And according to what she has learned, that is precisely true to their beliefs. Surprisingly, this information seems to agree with her.

She is not forgetting all those years of being stalked and abused by Jacob; nothing will ever erase those from her mind. But this little amount of time of it just being her and Carlisle has shown her his playful side, his romantic side, and well…just him being himself. And everything he does, she is finding that he does it for her. How can she not start to fall in love with someone who understands her completely? Who takes her as she is, and yes, he is trying to heal her, but he will take her as she is right this minute.

Carlisle has been careful with her, never pushing her, and this is the first time she has been aware of how much it had been hurting him to not take her fully as his mate. She thinks on it. Is she delaying anything by waiting? Not really. But neither can she just jump into it. She needs some time to build up to it. Carlisle is making it easy on her, by him making sure that she realizes he wants only her. Yes, sexually, but just now, sitting here with her reading a book she can feel his contentment.

Looking at him out of the side of her eye, she asks herself, is she ready? She knows if she asked, he would take it slow. But she wants this. She craves this; the touch of another. She has spent so long alone and not able to touch or kiss. And now, well to be blunt, it is like her body knows that Carlisle can touch her and all that horniness from all the prior years that she has had to put off, is rushing to the fore.


His eyes turn to hers and he lifts an eyebrow.

She pushes down the book and can’t help the blush that appears on her cheeks.

Carlisle takes a deep breath and his eyes turn dark not only at the exquisite smell of his mate, but he can smell her arousal. He closes his eyes to savor the scent. It is one he loves to smell, to drown in. It is a sign that he is pleasing to his mate.

He opens his eyes, which are dark, on his little mate, raising his eyebrow higher.

Bella swallows nervously, then starts playing with the cuff of her shirt, nervous about how to bring it up. She is new to this world, and she is unsure how Carlisle can deal with her wanting this slowly… And why did she have to think of this now?

Carlisle chuckles at the emotions and her face as they are all mixed up, and he lifts her face to his, asking, “What is it my lovely? I cannot even begin to guess what you are thinking with the emotional cocktail you are sending me.”

Her blush grows brighter, and she opens and closes her mouth a few times and then groans. Her word vomit takes over since she can’t seem to say what she wants, “I want more. I want to try more. I can’t think of a reason why we can’t go slowly, but who knows? Maybe your beast won’t allow it, but I am nervous as hell and… Now that I can touch people, all the emotions that I have bottled up inside are demanding more, and I want to give you everything!”

She is hyperventilating by the end of it, but there is no doubt as the words registered in her brain, there had been something she had said that she didn’t mean to. Not if the hands to her mouth are any indication.

Carlisle stares at her and gives a little shake to his head as he tries to make sense of what she is saying. He can feel the mortification, so he knows she said more than she meant to, and he desperately wants to find it. He has a feeling that once he does, this quiet night will be one of many that he will be ecstatic about.

So he sits there thinking on what she said, and hoping she will make this easier on him.

Bella, on the other hand, closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, and asks him, “Can you take it slowly? Will he, the beast inside of you, allow you to do this?”

Chuckling, Carlisle answers her with a kiss to her temple, “My dearest lovely, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. But I am sure that yes, we can take anything you wish to do slowly. Have I not proved this to you already?” The look in his eyes is one of mystification.

She tries to look down, but his hand catches her chin and informs her softly, “No looking away, sweetheart. There is nothing to be ashamed of.”

She tries to smile, but the worry in her eyes is only overtaken by the nervousness he can feel from the bond. She slides her eyes away from him, but soon looks back. “I want to start getting closer. Slowly, but faster than we have.”

His brow furrows as he tries to make sense of it. “But that is exactly what we have been doing. Is there something you wish?”

A small smile lifts the corners of her lips as she realizes that the horny male in front of her is genuinely confused. She then turns and moves so she is straddling him. She allows that inner part of her which has been so hungry for this male come out. Not understanding all the feelings, and shy about what they are encouraging her to do, she leans forward and kisses him.

Carlisle is shocked by her movement, but he doesn’t waste a second thinking about it. He kisses her back with the same eagerness she is feeling. One hand moves behind her head, grabbing her hair as he opens his mouth to her, showing her that he needs her.

Bella can’t help the moan, as she feels him stirring below her, and with the way he is kissing her, she soon gives up, and allows the kiss to go wherever it goes, trusting her mate.

Carlisle growls as he scents the new arousal from her, and when she moves over him, rubbing her jean clad core over his hard cock, his beast roars inside of him. Her words clash inside of his head, and he suddenly knows what she is asking for.

With that thought in mind, he soon surges up, and within seconds, still kissing her, he has her laying underneath his body as he uses the movement to slide one of her legs over his hip. Giving them more of the contact they are both craving. But telling himself this is as far as they will go, unless she wishes to go further.  As always, she is in control of their relationship and how far they go.


When he senses her need to breathe, his mouth is leaving open kisses as he moves his head to her ear, using the movement to map out her face with his lips, then her jaw leading to that delectable ear. He cannot help the growl that comes out with her little mewl, and asks in a husky voice, “You wish to know if I can control the beast? Yes. You want more of this? Yes. You want me to introduce you to knowing the joys of having a mate teach you the joys of being physical with them? Oh yes, darling. Anything and everything you want, I will do. As I do everything else for you, this too is up to you. If you wish to have more, then I will give it. But any hesitation, I will stop and ask you. We will not go all the way, because I want you to learn, to enjoy what I can teach you.   Is this what you meant, my little one? My lovely Bella?” And with that, he bites her earlobe carefully, his eyes bright with the dark lust shining through them, but with the knowledge his mate is wanting more of him.

Bella arches her back, trying to get closer to him, needing more contact with him. Her body is singing with the little he has done, and she has no doubt that the man above her will do all he can to please her.

But when he stops all movement, with a growled command, “Words Bella. I want the words. I want you to tell me this is what you want. I will take no chances with this, I love you, and never want to feel regret coming through our bond. So tell me what you want and I will give it to you.” His eyes are dark, and he is panting with the need vibrating through him, but he is one hundred percent making sure this is what she wants.

She opens her eyes to his, and sees the pleading on his face to know if this is real. Cupping his face, she tells him softly, “I want this, Carlisle. I want to be closer to you in every way.” Then as she hesitates, he turns his head to kiss her palms, encouraging her to continue and she whispers, “I’m just scared.   Can we take it as we have been?”

He closes his eyes, he and as his beast surge in pure happiness. He opens his eyes to her, “We will go as fast or slow as you wish, my lovely. I will stop when you get uncomfortable, but I won’t lie to you, I will push you some. Just let me know when I push you too much. I want you to enjoy this. And to make sure you will, I will be making sure you are ready.” He then grins, “Most virgins don’t have a mate that can sense their feelings, who will make sure you will feel the least pain in our joining, that would care to make it as wonderful as you will make it for us.”

He kisses down her neck, then unashamedly does as he beast demands and leaves a mark. While it cannot, will not mark her permanently, he wants to see his mark on her. Now that she has given permission for him to make this feel good, to go further, he will let go of his instinct allowing his beast more control. He knows that the other half of him will be as gentle with their mate as anything he would do as the more human side.  In fact, his beast is the better of the two, being closer to the bond it had forged with her as their mate.

He continuously checks the bond as he kisses her, his hips never leaving hers; surging against her. He is content if this is all they get to now. This is more than she had been comfortable with. But he would like to get past first base and into second if he could. He felt that should not be out of her comfort level . . .

Loving couple

Bella has one arm above her head, using is to help her gain air, and be able to leverage against her mate as he does something that makes her body want to be closer. She barely feels it when he rips her shirt apart, but she did feel the kissing on her chest going lower. When she looks down, she has a black eyed vampire staring back up at her, a devilish gleam to his eyes.

When his love looks at him, he meets her eyes, then slowly, and so carefully traces with his tongue, the skin where it meets her bra. He alternately kisses the skin on both breasts but watches her carefully. When he feels nothing but pleasure and arousal from it, he can’t help the smirk he gets and moves to between her breasts. With a look at her, Carlisle uses his teeth that can slice through the granite of another vampire’s skin, to bite through the fabric holding her breasts together.

She cannot help the gasp as she feels the bra snap open, nor does she miss his avid look of admiration. “My lovely mate, I don’t think I have seen a more beautiful sight in my life. And to think, they are all mine.” The last is said with a growl, and Bella almost laughs. It seems so much like a statement a character in a book would say, but the look on his face is what stopped the laugh.

There is no humanity in the look, and Bella realizes that the beast is here. But the look on his face as he glances up at her, makes her realize that he is still Carlisle. The love that she always feels from him is right there on his face, evident to anyone who happens to look.

Carlisle slowly smiles at her, then looks down at her breasts, and like a typical man, goes for the nipple on the left one. As he carefully suckles it, his other hand comes to mirror the actions on her other one. Bella’s eyes widen as the actions he is taking feel like there is a straight line telegraphing all he is doing to her lower stomach.

As she arches her body to be closer, he wraps an arm around, her allowing her to stay in that position as his hips continue to surge against her body. He aches with need, but holds himself back, taking this step as far as he can, but nothing more. He will make sure that she is comfortable with this, and he smirks as he moves to the other breast. He thinks he will be enjoying destroying her bras and clothing. Maybe she will then shop with him willingly.

He chuckles, the sound makes his mate moan as he traces the lines of her body, enjoying her sounds showing that what he is doing is pleasing to her. He may be able to feel it, but what male doesn’t want to hear his mate voicing her pleasure?

Then she moves her hips with his, pushing him harder, and he grits his teeth as pleasure shoots through him. Not wanting to take any more liberties, he soon sets to matching her pace, and hoping that she will come from it alone. Not that he is not done worshipping the bounteous globes in front of him. He may be cold blooded, but when it comes to this, he is like every other 23 year old male.

Bella is lost in the feelings, she can feel Carlisle’s pleasure as she moves her body to reach something that is just out of her grasp. She can feel his mouth on her kissing her until she is breathless, then moving back down, his one hand never leaving her breasts, all of it adding to the culmination of something. Something new that she has never felt before. Suddenly it is as though an explosion happens right behind her eyes then she collapses against the couch, her mate right above her.

Carlisle is panting along with his human mate, a smirk on his face for making it possible for her to come with as little stimulation as he could give her now. He wanted to have her make the moves from now on, but this gives him enough to keep him happy, keep the beast purring in contentment.

She slowly starts to hear normally again, and when she opens her eyes, her mate is smirking at her, his whole being more relaxed than she has seen him.   She can’t help the grin coming out, matching his own, as he kisses her, murmuring how much he loves her as he tries to bury her in the emotions.

The purr explodes from him when she runs her hands through his hair, and he smiles as he listens to her laughter. He then tells her softly, “Thank you my lovely mate.”

She looks up at his face, and she softly says to him, “Thank you! I have no idea what happened but it felt so good.”

He moves her hair from her face and tells her softly, “That is how it is supposed to be. Unfortunately, as much as I will try otherwise, you will be sore the day after our mating. But I will make it as painless as possible for you my lovely, my sweetheart. No worrying about that now.  Right now, I just want to tell you how beautiful you are, and that I cannot express my happiness with the turn of events.”

Bella stares into his face with a smile on her face. “I am sorry it took me so long to think about it.”

He shakes his head as he looks into her eyes, his own returning to the golden color. “We have known each other what four days? I would have waited longer, my lovely.” He kisses her softly.

She sighs into his kiss, and if she could melt more in his arms than before, she would have. The two spend some time just cuddling, and when she starts to drift off, Carlisle asks her softly, “Bella? I am going to take us upstairs. While you may not be a mess, I need a shower. Did you wish to join me?”

Bella snuggles into his arms and just asks, “Just take me to bed. Too sleepy.”

He smiles down at her, and soon has her in bed, she shed her jeans without any issues popping up in the bond, and snuggles into their bed. He kisses her softly, and then speeds off to the shower. Coming out, he is rubbing a towel through his hair when he comes into the room, planning to sleep like last night.   But he stops and his heart melts in his chest as he sees she is waiting for him. Asleep, but as he leaves his towels in the hamper, and slides in under the blankets, she murmurs, and her odd way of lying is explained as she stretches along him. He wraps an arm around her and kisses her temple. He reaches out and turns off the lamp she must have left on for him, and the last thing he hears before the silence descends is his name murmured happily from her lips as he holds his mate.

Final count, 4,089 words.


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  1. pmcdaniel5406

    Awesome as always hon, cant’ wait to read more…thanks, huggs. Peggy

  2. angel897

    loved it way happy you updated this story 🙂

  3. Goldielover

    Loved it – thank you. Looks like they’re making good progress now.

  4. jlynnk93

    I did a mini happy dance when you updated. I had to reread it to refresh my memory on what all has happened but so worth it. I’m excited that you are planning to update this again. I can’t wait till the next chapter. (:

  5. together24x3

    Awesome! I really love this story!

  6. sharon johnston

    hi first time reading this story and i have to say i love it so much was also wondering if you will be updating your jazz/bella fic when i pretend as i love that one too look forward to hearing from you x sharon

  7. Casper22

    It’s great to see this story updated after such a long time- This was actually the story that first introduced me to you as an author and I followed it from Fanfic to your WordPress site where I have been reading absolutely everything you’ve written since- you’re a fab writer by the way 🙂
    I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen next
    Best Wishes

  8. 01katie

    Love it please update soon

  9. MsDawnSilverKnife

    Have been waiting for an update for awhile now, and boy what a update it was 😉 Loved it!! Now I can’t wait for more.

  10. northstackfan

    agree with everything above. hope you update soon. any hint on what alice saw?!?!?!

  11. Sarai Bauguess

    awesome chapter. loved it.

  12. Sandy

    Yay some progress being made in the physical dept. I hope to see more of that.

    Loved the pics. TY for update.

  13. FabinaForever11

    Love the chapter!

  14. Ann

    I love this will there be more

    • Kittyinaz

      I’m trying to get there.

  15. kggla

    Can’t wait for an update. Hope to see more bedroom action next time too.


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